Pastor does not want me to marry fiancé

Dear Pastor,

I am 24 years old and I am a Christian. For the past four years, I have been having a relationship with a man who is eight years my senior. He has three children, but I do not have any.

I have tried my best to protect myself from getting pregnant. When I met him, I was a backslider. But I have since returned to my church. I told him that we could not have a relationship any more because he is not a Christian. So we decided to get married. My relatives and friends are very happy that we are planning to get married. Some of my siblings who are living abroad are planning to come for that special day. But I have run into a problem.

This man has refused to attend premarital counselling. My pastor discouraged me from marrying him, but I told my pastor that our relationship is not new. So he said he would perform the ceremony if my fiance comes for premarital counselling. When I told my fiance that premarital counselling was required, he declared that he will not attend and that my pastor needs more counselling than he does. One of my sisters has already paid down on my wedding gown and we have chosen the venue for our reception. I don't know why this man is against premarital counselling. I asked him what he has to hide and he said nothing. I don't know what to do.

Pastor, don't you do premarital counselling? I am sure you do that as a marriage officer and a counsellor. If our relationship had not gone so far, I would break up with him. But since I am 20 years old, I have been going to bed with this man and now he is treating me this way. My mother told me she will talk to him but I do not want her to do so, because he is going to fuss and say that I should not take our business outside of the house, not even to my mother.

I told him I will stop having sex with him until he has made up his mind. I don't know if I can keep up with that because when I rededicated my life to Christ, I stopped having sex with him and I had no peace, so I resumed having sex.

Please tell me what to do.

J.N.

Dear J.N.,

I hope this man will change his mind and subject himself to counselling. Everybody needs a counsellor. I have officiated at weddings for people who were in their senior years and I had more fun doing so than with younger couples. I have learned so much from older couples. I am sure that your pastor will not embarrass your fiance, and if your fiance has nothing to hide, he should be willing to meet with him.

You might have known this man for a long time, but a counsellor is trained to ask certain questions that will cause you to think whether or not you should marry him. Let me know how things are going. All the best, to the both of you.

Pastor