My girlfriend lied that she was a virgin

Dear Pastor,

I come to you with a heavy heart. I am Jamaican by birth. When I was in my early 20s, I fell in love with a woman. We pledged that we would be true to each other.

Seven months after we met, we got engaged. I bought her an engagement ring. I used all my savings to buy it. Both of us were attending church. She was attending classes and I was working at a garage. We had an account together. So I used to give her my pay cheque and she used to take out whatever she wanted and lodge the rest. That is how it was supposed to be. To my surprise, many weeks passed and she didn't lodge any money.

When I went to the bank to check on the account, hardly anything was there. I asked her what she did with the money and she lied to me. At one point she said that her mother was ill, so she used some of the money to take her to the doctor. I asked her why she did not tell me that her mother was ill; she didn't have a good answer. Another time she told me that one of her sisters was in trouble and someone threatened to sue her. I didn't know anything about that, either.

I suspected that she had another man. I discussed the matter with the pastor and he advised me to call off the wedding. I took his advice and told her that we should postpone the wedding. This girl had paid down on a beautiful gown, so she said we shouldn't change the date. But I knew that was the best thing to do. I spoke to her mother about the money. She said she would repay me, but until this day I have not got one penny. My girlfriend was upset when her mother spoke to her about what she did. Her mother asked her if she gave the money to another man, and she told the pastor that I told her mother that she was keeping a man with me. I did not tell her mother that.

One night she was sleeping and I went into her phone and saw pictures of her and text messages she sent to another man. She was begging him to send some money because I had found out about him. This girl used to tell me that she was a virgin and I believed her, until we had sex. No virgin could have such a smooth entrance.

I literally had to fight her to have sex with her, and I felt guilty after the first time. I had to tell her mother that her daughter deceived me by saying she was a virgin. In front of her mother, she cursed me and told me that I was not a real man, as a real man wouldn't tell her mother that she wasn't a virgin when we had sex.

Did I do anything wrong? This girl has stolen about US$75,000 from me and I would love to get it back. Please give me your advice.

S.W.

Dear S.W.,

What you are saying is that you were totally deceived by this young woman. You thought she was a virgin, but you found out that she wasn't.

Many women have lied to their boyfriends before. They want to give the best impression of themselves. No wonder some men insist that these women should have sex with them before they get married, because they do not want to buy 'puss in bag'.

It is always better for a young woman to speak the truth about herself. She doesn't have to say with whom she has had sex, or how many times she has had sex, but she should say that she is sexually active and leave it there. How can you ever trust a woman who lies? Her mother was not ill, and you had a right to know why she withdrew your money. She was not employed, but her name was on the account. This woman is a thief, and you should not trust a thief. Not only did she steal your money; she lied.

You say that you want back your money. I would say that she doesn't have that money to give to you, so do not even try to get it back. Leave her alone; you have had enough of her lies. You will find another woman in whom you will have confidence.

Cheer up brother, cheer up. I wish you well. Move on with your life.

Pastor