Wife refuses to have sex without a condom

January 15, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I want to put something to you and hear how you would respond. I recently got married but before we tied the knot, we went for counselling.

In front of the counsellor, my fiancee and I agreed that before the wedding, we would use the condom as protection, and after the wedding we would discontinue their use. She agreed to that. We spent our first night at her father's house because it was too late to travel to the cottage we rented.

I was excited, so when it came time for us to have sex, my wife grabbed her bag and took out the condom. I told her that we did not need the condoms and she said, yes we did. I did not want to have any fuss in her father's house so we went along. About 4 o'clock in the morning, I wanted more sex, so I indicated that to her. She reached again for the condoms and I slapped her hands and told her none of that. She got down to the floor and I thought that was a good place to go so I went down on the floor, too, and I reminded her that we should not make noise in her father's house. She said that I should behave. I told her that I was behaving, but I only wanted sex.

I am very unhappy because my wife has been refusing to have sex with me if I do not use the condom and this was something we agreed not to do after we are married. She has refused to go on the pill. What should I do?

Initials Withheld.

Dear Writer,

Your wife should keep her side of the agreement. While both of you were friends going together, you agreed that during sexual intercourse, the condom would be used. But after the marriage, it was understood that she would go on the pill. She said that even in the presence of the marriage counsellor. She should have kept her word.

You said that on your wedding night, both of you were forced to stay at her parent's home. That to me is a bad place to be on your first night as a couple. But that's what it was. Your wife shocked you by refusing to 'do it' without the condom. To make matters worse, she is refusing to have sex with you without condoms and you are frustrated.

May I ask what are her objectives? Is she afraid that you will get her pregnant and she is not ready for that? Or does she believe that you are promiscuous and she believes that you will infect her with STDs and STIs? Does she not want to have children at all? If both of you agreed to have children and it is a matter of timing, when will she be ready to have sex without using contraceptives?

These issues should send you back to the counsellor or to a medical doctor to check both for STDs and STIs. If you don't take this matter in hand, I am afraid this marriage will crash very soon. I know that your wife could not believe that this marriage will survive if she does not want anything to do with you without the condom. This is a matter of common sense. Something is not right here and I cannot say much without knowing the truth.


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