Firing up your sex life


May 10, 2016

So, as promised, we continue to restore the pleasure by alleviating sexual anorexia.

This week, we link that to low sexual desires and how to increase it. In recent times, there has been much focus on the issue of low- or no-sex marriages. In such a relationship, usually one partner has a very low libido or there is a significant discrepancy in sexual desire between the couple. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it becomes to break the cycle. The longer they refrain from sexual contact, the more they tend to blame each other.

A low-sex marriage can often deteriorate so that conflict, frustration, and boredom become commonplace in the relationship. With motivation, however, these couples can re-establish a healthy sexual life together. There is no one way to be sexual and no specific sexual frequency that is considered normal. For most people, sexuality is healthy as long as it causes neither member of the couple any distress or emotional turmoil. Healthy sexual functioning allows both persons to enjoy pleasure and to have realistic expectations of each other. Maintaining sexual desire, attraction, and trust is an ongoing process that takes effort and initiative for both individuals. When a couple's sexual expression begins to lag and lack excitement, the key to rebuilding marital sexual desire is to enjoy non-demanding pleasuring, increasing intimacy, and having fun together. Both members must be committed to revitalising the sexual energy.

Contributing factors

Low sexual desire can have a multitude of causes. These might include childhood sexual abuse, guilt regarding previous sexual activities or partners, fear of failure or a lack of genuine feelings for one's spouse. These 'secrets' often affect the trust in a relationship and can seriously impair marital communication. Ideally, they should be discussed with one's partner, or at the very least, with a therapist, best friend, or sibling. Left undisclosed, they can become poison to a relationship or marriage.

For an individual with medical concerns or chronic health problems, additional issues may play a role in the lack of sexual desire. These might include shame or negative feelings about one's body, concerns about being a burden, fears of rejection, the work involved in preparing for sex, fatigue, lack of privacy, difficulty with erections or ejaculation, and feeling inadequate as a sexual partner.

Here are some tips that might help:

1. Try to be intimate in some form on a regular basis. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle.

2. Both members must be committed and motivated to revitalising a sexual relationship.

3. Deal with anger resentments and hurt outside of the bedroom, and don't use sex as a way of punishing your partner or making a statement about how you feel.

4. Get away from the idea that intercourse and orgasm are the most important aspects of a sexual relationship. Sexual contact should be pleasurable, enjoyable, non-demanding, and adventurous.

5. Maintain sexual contact during difficult times even if initially, you are not in the mood. The intimacy at these times will bring you closer and strengthen the bond between the two of you.

We will continue next week.

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